BP Equals But the President

Alright. I have kept my mouth shut for long enough on this topic. I do not care about political affiliations, or how anyone feels about the President. He has dropped the ball on the entire BP oil-spill thing. I will admit, he has no control over the situation... but he also has NO CONTROL.

Here are my problems and observeances:
1. The "Administration" has given no sense of concern over the oil spill. A half-hearted response on national news about how the president is going to kick ass goes about as far as me saying I am going to lay down the law with The Rock on national TV. It sounds great until the show happens.

2. The "Administration" has gone after BP in every area possible, to make them look like a horrible enterprise. Just in the past few days, the US brought up charges that they arranged for Abdelbaset al Megrahi (AKA one of the Pan Am Flight 103 bombers) to be released. BP and Lybia have been working together forever. To suggest BP had anything to do with this scumbag's release means the entire British government is under BP's control. Does that sound sane or a bit like paranoia?

3. The media tried to play up the US vs England World Cup match as a meet up between the evil British and the US victims. However, the British are not to blame. The entire rig was set up regulated and approved by Americans. It was only owned by BP.

4. The President commended the very rig that exploded for it's modern approach to environmental protection and oil collection technology. Then he used it as an example of why oil rigs are evil.

5. While the former president was blasted for his inaction for a natural event, the current president has remained blameless for inaction nearly 5 times as long on a man made event.

6. The most retarded thing I have heard from the news is that BP should be assigned an American CEO by the US government. I am sorry, but this just blows my mind. BP is not some American company that is under our jurisdiction. Even if the board for BP agreed on an American CEO, they would be stupid to accept a government suggested one. They would have to realize that this person would only have one agenda, and it wouldn't be for the company's best interest.

7. The best thing I have seen out of this is what was missing from the news during Katrina. People aren't depending on the government to bail them out. During Katrina, people let everyone else around them suffer while they complained. In this situation, the fishermen and civilians are out in grand numbers to try and hold off the oil and protect themselves. It gives me a great sense of hope for this country.

8. I have no doubt that if this same disaster happened off of the coast of Virginia or New York, It would have been fixed in a month.

You Can't Blame a Guy for Trying

Everyone has suffered the humiliation of failure, eventhough their intentions were decent enough. It's nearly soul-crushing. History is filled with similar examples. Here are four of the greatest failures, even though the guys really weren't too bad at heart.

4. Mark Anthony

Mark Anthony (not to be mistaken for the hispanic singer) was a cousin of Julius Ceasar.

"I rape all your country with music"

Born to a high class family in Rome, it was a given fact that he would do great things. Marcus lived a typical rich life, slumming for fun and gambling away fortunes. However, he grew into greatness, as he found a position as a military man. Mark Anthony also carried his party-boy style into the military. While he became famous for his generosity to his troops (there is a question of what he did with them), he developed a stigma. Due to his wild behavior, true greatness (the leader of Rome) seemed just out of his reach. But his cousin became Ceasar and things changed, as he became second in command of Rome's armies. After Julius' assassination, civil war broke out. Anthony led the charge to destroy all who had opposed Julius. He joined in a triumvirate with the general Marcus Aemilius Lepidus and Octavius (who went on to become Augustus). There was peace in Rome for a while, as Mark took over comand in the southern region of the empire, also known as North Africa.

Mark Anthhony was kind of like this... but male.

It was there that Mark met Cleopatra, and his wild side returned. Mark Anthony took on the Egyptian culture and gave up his Roman ways, or that was the propoganda put out by his enemies. But really, what guy hasn't tried to change the way he normally acted to try and pick up women? This was all Octavius needed to hunt down Anthony and bring him home for trial, since Octavius wanted the leadership of Rome for himself. The rest is pretty well known. Anthony hid out in Egypt, made little Anthonies with Cleopatra, killed himself when the Roman armies showed up, and went down as an inspiration for emo kids everywhere. He never intended harm, but simply tried to do that which was expected of him, and throw in some wild times for good measure. As a result, he failed at being the true ruler of Rome, or reaching true greatness in general.

3. Nikola Tesla

Here's a story every nerd knows.

Basically this guy and his friends know this story.

Born in Austrian Croatia, Nikola traveled to the US on his own (meaning alone... not with his family). Telsa, throughout his journey from Austria to the US, studied many topics. His memorization has led many to believe he had photographic memory. However, he never graduated from any higher instition during his early life, due to a supposed nervous breakdown.
Tesla was smart enough to be able to work with Thomas Edison. He became the "problem solver" of any works Edison had in production. However, Tesla was continualy underpaid by his employer, and eventually left.
Rather than be underpaid for his brilliant mind, Tesla dug ditches and designed his own company. Tesla Electric Light & Manufacturing ended up firing Tesla because they doubted his AC current theory. This theory stated that AC current delivers electricity more efficiently than Edison's DC. It's kind of technical, but lets shorten it to the fact Tesla was correct... to the point that we use his electrical delivery system today.

These guys owe their career to Tesla.. and that d-bag Edison.

Beyond the whole issue of AC vs DC, Tesla created fluorescent light bulbs and showed that electricity could create radio waves, as well as activate objects wirelessly. Sadly, Edison was an idiot who had his mind on money and nothing else. Thomas Edison stopped at nothing to make Nikola Tesla look like a fool, just so edison could wire the US under his DC electricity. As a result, Tesla died in debt and never recognized his own briliance. Even at his death, the government demanded the opening of all his personal documents. It was like he wasan alien from another planet, and the military was stealing all of his tecnology. It should be noted that Tesla was a naturalized citizen of the US, never complained about his situation as he was constantly screwed over, and he held several patents that made his family wealthy. But he never realized that wealth.

2. Napoleon Bonapart

Most people recognize Napoleon as a short dictator who was evil to the core and hated Bugs Bunny, and was hated by the world. However, every part you thought was true from that last sentence is untrue.

Except how he did an awesome dance groove at the student presedent assembly.

First, Napoleon was not hated by the world, but mostly by the monarchs he deposed. He did not hate Bugs Bunny... only his characature did. He was not short, as he was measured by French standards. At 5 foot 2 inches French, he was truely 5 foot 6 and half by today's standards. That may not be a giant, but it is not short. Napoleon was also not a dictator nor did he rule as the evil villain he was depicted.
Napoleon Bonaparte was born into the lower nobility in Corsica, Italy. As Corsica was taken over by France, Napoleon surely found himself torn in loyalty as a young man. However he joined the French army and quickly rose through the ranks. As the French Revolution tore the country apart, Napoleon was detained and treated as a criminal, but eventually found freedom. The nation's internal conflict continued but Napopleon found his way into the comand of France's military. After endless battles in which he lead on the front line, and met miraculous victories, he was entered as a candidate for the leadership of France. This nation needed stability and someone to lead it out of the pit of despair it was currently suffering. Napoleon took it even farther, as he guided the french together under one goal. Their nationalism led to the illimination of many European monarchies, as the collective armies of Napoleon marched across the continent.
However, Napoleon shook up the monarch powers way too much, and led them to release their propaganda machine. As a result, his loss at Waterloo and to Admiral Nelson became kindling for a fire against Napoleon. Today he hardly remembered as anything but evil and the antichrist outside of France, but many in France remember him as the man who every ruler of their nation should be. Many westerners mock France as a bunch of cowards, but all you need to say is that Napoleon was a great and underrated ruler, and the French Underground helped save the allies during the first days following D-Day in WWII. Then you can get some respect from the French.

Napoleone. Qu'est-ce que c'est? Fafafafa...

1. Christopher Columbus

Yeah, he has a day specifically worshiped by Italians in the United States. Howard Zinn (in his usual loser, political, and non-historical style) likes to make him look like the Devil encarnate.

I'm a pretty crappy historian,... right to the bank. Ha!

He wasn't the super explorer most people know. However, nothing much can be said for or about Christopher Columbus. No one can really decide on his nation of origin, or his real name. He's like Shakespeare, except everyone knows all there is to know about Bill.
Now, if this were a history by Howard Zinn, I would say, "Columbus set sail for the New World looking to wipe out all the indeginous people so that he could rape the land and have sex with their children." However, only a retard believes that.
Basically, everyone agrees that Columbus was Italian. As well, no one but idiots thought the world was flat when he was alive. Columbus' argument was that he could find a quick western route to the Indies. He wandered Europe trying to get funding, but was turned down at every step. Then he went to Spain, where the royalty was rich and liked stupid ideas, as long as they got rich.
As a result, Columbus got huge financial backing. He sailed west and found the Carribian. He never claimed to find a "new world", because that was not on his mind. He had found India, China, and Eden in the reality he saw. Also he broght back gold which made him famous. But, as the realization that this new region was more harsh than he realized became clear, his backing vanished and Columbus lost his money.
In the end, Columbus died believing he had found the western path to India. He had mapped a great deal of the West Indies and done a great service to Spain. However, he died a poor man, as he invested his entire life into what was seen as a failure. Later, many Europeans would become wealthy from the discovery that Columbus made. That is why we should celebrate him. Not as a guy who made it big on his luck, but a person who tried his luck and failed, yet paved the future for us as Americans.

Look'a at me. I'a discover America!

Flight of the Conchords

Flight of the Conchords is a comedy music duo from New Zealand, consisting of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (from the Outback Steak House commercials). It's hard to tell which is more amazing about this band; the fact something with talent came from New Zealand or that they are a hillarious musical comedy duo. The band made it big in their homeland and found popularity in Great Britain where they began international comedy tours. From there, they caught the attention of HBO, who first gave them a special and then their own scripted show. After two seasons, the band called off the show, because it was too much work for a band trying to tour and write new stage material while writing and filming the show. As well, there was the mounting pressure to realease more albums. While the HBO series and albums were great in their own right, the band's live performances are the heart of their comedy.

The following are my favorite FOTC live video clips. They are guaranteed to entertain.

My 15 Favorite Recut Movie Trailers

A recent meme (internet trend) I've gotten into, is recut movie trailers. There are some seriously hillarious videos out there, in which a movie is remade into atrailer, in a way that ,akes the movie look different. Here are some of my favorites.

15. Home Alone (as a horror)



14. Dumb and Dumber (as a romantic movie)



13. Mrs. Doubtfire (as a suspense)



12. The Ring (as a drama)



11. The Big Lebowski (as a drama)



10. Sleepless in Seattle (as a thriller/horror)



9. Marry Poppins (as a horror)



8. When Harry Met Sally (as a thriller)



7. Top Gun (as a Brokeback Moutain type movie)



6. 2012 (as a 70's disaster)



5. The Usual Suspects (another Brokeback moutain type... but great)



4. The Wicker Man (as a comedy)



3. Good Will Hunting (as a thriller)



2. Cocktail (as a film/noir)



1. The Shining (as a happy/feel-good hit)

Presidents' Day? Now That's An Excuse to Party

In honor of our nation's presidents, I felt the need to throw out a few fun facts about those who have held the most prestigious occupation in America. Enjoy.

1. George Washington

He was not the actual first President of the United States. That title falls to this guy.

"I am feeling my nipple just thinking about the Presidency."

Yes! John Hanson. The first full term President under the Articles of Confederation. Washington was the first President under the American Constitution. However, Washington set the standard for many Presidential traditions. His inaugural speech set a standard for Presidents as did his two term limit. Even Teddy Roosevelt refused a third term because Washington had set the tradition. Only after FDR's ridiculously uncalled for four terms (while terminally ill) did Congress decide to make the limit official.

Everyone knows the story about George Washinton cutting down the cherry tree. However, it is commonly believed that that is a fictional tale told by Mason Locke Weems to sell his biography on President Washington. Either way, it makes for a good tale to keep our own youth from lying to us constantly... until they are teenagers.

"I totally did it. I chopped that tree down. It had a gun and said awful things about Mom. It was self defense! Also, can I get twenty dollars to go see Avatar with my girl?"

2. James Madison

The shortest President in history, he stood at 5 feet 4 inches and barely weighed 100 pounds. However this guy could take care of himself. As president during the War of 1812, he led troops against the Canadian invasion of Washington DC. The White House was burned down, but the invasion was repelled. This was the 19th Century version of Independance Day.

"Those freaking Canadians! I knew that alien invasion was an inside job."

Of course there was not Will Smith to throw out pithy one-liners back then. That duty probably fell to our next President.

3. Andrew Jackson

The epitome of what a Clint Eastwood character would be like if they were president. Besides being a general, this guy basically stomped heads for fun. He got a bad rap for his mistreatment of Native Americans and the whole nationalizing of the banks, but he was a good egg. President Jackson was known as a prankster... and a fighter. Oh... and his best friend was Davey Crockett. To go along with the comparison to a Clint Eastwood character, Jackson was once slashed in the face with a British officer's sword for refusing to shine the guy's boots.

"Boy! I'll teach you to be all rebellious and American. This ain't no belt neither."

Also, Jackson had a bullet lodged in his lung for a good part of his life. This awesome wound came from a duel over a bet on a horse race. Jackson took a shot to the chest, killed the opponent in a slow and deliberate way, and coughed up blood for the rest of his life. Tell me that isn't hard core.

That's it for the list now, but stay tuned for part 2. There's plenty more awesome Presidential factoids out there for me to cover.

Best Darn House I've Ever Seen

Here's another skit from TAM! I laughed. I cried. I want this house NOW!

Me vs. Sasquatch

This blog is not sponsored by Jack Links... unless they would like to sponsor me.

Lately, I have been compared to a sasquatch... repetedly. I mostly blame my love for Jack Links beef jerky. Or... maybe my burly physique and general hairiness are the reason. Who knows? I am going to take some time to compare a sasquatch to myself. Perhaps I am one of the long lost American great apes.

1)I have a great profile turn-of-the-head move.

Notice how I lack the conical head shape of a sasquatch. Also I have a job and wear clothes. Dang hippie sasquatches.

Sasquatches also have their own profile turn... yet it's not as graceful.

Actually that picture looks like me on that camping trip in the Blue Ridge. So that's what that hiker was doing behind that bush.

2)Sasquatches love rock so much, they throw a music festival every year.

I also love rock... but my posse doesn't look like this.

3)There are movies about sasquatches.

Holy crap! If I could get a movie made where I look that awesome... then call me a sasquatch!

Sadly if I had a movie made about me I would look like this.

Da! Da! Daaaaah!

Actually, I love Captain Chaos... so that wouldn't be so bad. Also, Zach Galifianakis is supposed to play that role in the Cannonball Run remake. Everyone says I am Zach's twin. I'm seeing a trend here.

4)Homer Simpson was mistaken for a sasquatch (actually a big foot... but for this comparison, I'll let it slide).

I am often compared to Homer. Maybe there is something to this sasquatch comparison. Besides... I hear the ladies all love a big sasquatch.

Dang it! A sasquatch can't get no love? I have plenty of friends, woman!