My Dream... and Why I'm Awake at 2 A.M. Writing About It

This is a narrative retelling of my dream. I just may resell it for a lot of money. Any unlicensed use of this tale for profit will get you a swift boot party and a lawsuit.

Bugs Bunny and I had travelled to Antarctica in search of four missing college coeds. Apparently they were doing summer research on the south pole. Bugs and I traversed icy landscapes and finally found Brooke Burke saving baby penguins. Brooke explained that she had seen the four college girls set up a camp a few miles away. I thanked Brooke, and she said she would call me later. As we moved along, Bugs Bunny asked, "Aaaaaa... so you know Brooke Burke?"
"Yeah. She's a great gal," I replied... because I apparently talk like a noir detective sometimes in my dreams.
"Why do ya get to call her Brooke, Doc?"
"Because, I know her. I'm the hero. She and I made out!"
"How do ya know her, Doc?"
"Because I saved her, about 15 years ago, from a hostage situation at Six Flags. You were there. Remember? Somehow Six Flags was in Tokyo? Bruce Willis helped? You took a bullet for me?"
"Nah. Doesn't ring a bell, Doc."
I started to say something like, "I'll ring your bell," when I saw something ahead. It was a body in the snow. Bugs and I ran to it. Thankfully it wasn't the coeds, just a Sherpa. He was half dead and the camp had been torn to shreds. As I knelt next to the Sherpa, I recognized him. It was Kumquat, who had helped me save Heidi Klum from the evil zombies of Tibet a few months ago.
Kumquat started talking. "The girls. They are in that cave," The brave Sherpa, Kumquat, pointed to a cave a hundred feet away. How did I miss that when I was walking? "Be careful! Tabuka has them. He's... he's...," struggled Kumquat as he passed out from exhaustion.
"Bugs, throw together a shelter and get Kumquat inside and warm!" I ordered as I took off my backpack. I dug through for a rope, my laser pistol, and some Binaca. As I stood and looked at the cave I told Bugs, "I'm going in to save those girls."
"Not without me, Doc!" exclaimed Bugs.
I turned to see Bugs had a nice shelter built already... and smoke coming from the chimney pipe. "Man, that was fast," I thought to myself.
"I'm going to help too!" came another voice. I turned to find Superman swooping in.
"Oh, dude! This is gonna be a piece of cake," I said , totally pumped about kicking butt with Superman.
"Sorry I was late, Danimal. Batman and I were at a Superparty at Malin Ackerman's. Let's just say, Batman has some rage issues."
"No problem, Kal-El. Let's go kick some bad guy tail!"

As we entered the cave I heard a "Thump!" I looked around the icy interior and kept walking. Again, I heard a "Thump!" Ahead, I saw a gigantic snow crab. The girls were huddled in a corner as the crab looked to be preparing to eat them.
"We're only going to get one chance to do this," I explained as I turned to my group of heroes. Superman and Bugs were gone. "Geez. What the heck is going on now? Where'd they go?" I thought to myself. Suddenly, Superman reappeared with a gust of wind.
"Sorry. I drank a little too much Superpunch at the Superparty," explained Superman.
"Great, and where is Bugs?"
"I don't know. My Supersenses are being blocked."
"Okay, we'll just have to go alone. We'll get the crab focused on us and then you keep him busy while I sneak the girls out of the cave," I explained.
"That's a Superplan!" said Superman.
"Please stop adding "Super" to everything."
"No problem, Superfriend."
"Ugh...."
We snuck up near the Giant Snow Crab, who was named Tabuka... for some reason. I was about to yell something cool like, "Hey, you giant fish nugget! Try snacking on this!" when another voice came.
"Of course you know... this means war!" screamed Bugs. He was on a ledge and as he jumped onto the crab's back he yelled "Banzai!"
The crab quickly grabbed Bugs in his claw and threw him across the cave, where he smashed into a wall of ice.
"Don't worry about Bugs. He'll be fine," I told The Man of Steel. "Just start working on that beast!"
Superman and I began unloading lasers on Tabuka, me darting around with my laser gun and Superman firing beams from his eyes.
Then I heard that noise again. "Thump! Thump!"
"Keep going! This guy is going to be a crab cake soon!" I yelled.
"Thump! Squeak!" came the noise.
"Hold on guys! Everyone stop!" I exclaimed.
Everyone kind of paused and stared at me. The giant crab tried to slowly move towards me. "I said stop!" I screamed and Tabuka froze still.
"I still hear that noise. Does anyone else hear it?" No one raised their hands but Bugs... halfway, and he lowered it again as he looked around. "It's like a thump, and then there was a squeak."
"Thump! Squeak! Thump!" came the noise again.
"See there it was!" I pointed out. The noise seemed to come from a nearby wall, so I leaned my ear against it and listened.
"Thump! Squeak! Thump! Squeak! Thump! Squeak!"
"Awwww crap!" I yelled. It was my neighbors next door. "Why do they do this everytime I have an awesome dream?"

I awoke and muddled something unkind under my breath. As I tried to go back to sleep I reimagined the icy cave. No one was there. I walked outside the cave to find the coeds, Superman, Bugs Bunny, and Kumquat (the brave Sherpa) sitting around a bonfire. They were cooking the remains of Tabuka and having a good time.
"Hey guys. So what happened?" I asked.
"Oh you missed it," explained the brunette as she hugged up on Bugs.
"Yeah! You disappeared and these awesome guys saved us," said the blonde... also hugging up on Bugs.
"Dude, it was totally epic!" Kumquat added, his arm around the other brunette coed. "This giant crab had everyone pinned down!"
"Yes. And our Superbrave Kumquat came charging in with a spear. He Superchucked it right into the belly of Tabuka and we were freed." said Superman, breaking away from a makeout session with the redheaded coed.
"Spear? I thought you were a Sherpa, not an Eskimo, Kumquat."
"What? A Sherpa can't carry a spear for protection withot being called an Eskimo? Dude, you are really lame." said Kumquat.
"Yeah, that is so wrong." chimed in the redhead.
"Oh. Sorry. I just thought we were gonna be a team and all," I mumbled, feeling quite left out.
"Hey, Doc. I think maybe you should leave. You're really killing the vibe here," sniped Bugs. "In fact, we've been talking. You're kind of dragging our team down."
"Really?" I questioned.
"Yeah, I mean I've taken so many fatal blows for you. You'd be dead a hundred times by now." replied Bugs. "Candy thinks, and I agree..."
"Who's Candy?" I asked.
"Hi," said the blonde as she raised her hand.
"Yeah, we feel I'd be a better hero, Doc."
"I was supposed to.... But my neighbors...." I said, struggling to explain.
"Dude, you're looking pretty needy right now," said Kumquat.
"Yeah maybe you should go sleep this off," said the brunette kissing Bugs.
"Ha! Tippy, here doesn't understand irony," explained Bugs.
As I walked off I heard Superman say, "Who wants Supermargaritas?"
"I love how you think everything is super," cheered one of the coeds.

After that, I woke up and wrote this whole story. Now I need to go back to sleep so I can hunt down those jerks and exact some revenge.

Now This is How You Play Mario

Watch this clip I got off giantbomb.com. It mixes the love of video games with the love of alcohol. Party at this guy's house.



Tell me that's not awesome.

The End of the World: According to the Last Few Weeks

1. Tiger Woods is apparently a human and male:

Name the one person who can drive farther than anyone but John Daley at Kapalua, has more money earned than any professional athlete (that's not just in sports but ads as well), who married a Swedish model, and is currently looking at a life of the worst possible punishment for a human male. If you were me, the whole John Daley thing and the fact you whooped Kapalua lead to one conclusion. The fact he's "married to a Swedish model" just made it odd and erotic. I speak of Tiger Woods. He who reigns above us modest human golfers. He who reigns lightening when we might score par on our neighborhood golf course.

"I am pooping on your third shot. Also, I am doing your mom. Ha!"

But, alas, Tiger is an idiot. He fell for a glorified celebrity escort girl. Oh, and a moron who had one brief moment on a reality show and decided making the most beloved golfer in history look like a perv was her moment to shine. Great job, Jaimee Grubbs. Now we just have to wait for the horrible horrible sex tapes and for those terrible excuses for women to show up in even more reality TV shows. Yes, I am sure more have been on reality shows no one has ever watched.














"Uhmmm... who is the rich idiot for 2 billion, Alex?" "Uhhhhhhh.... This isn't Jeopardy and my name isn't Alex. This is a lame dating show on VH1." Uhhhhhmmmmmm.... Okay I want to, like, fool a totally rich golfer into an awesome plot of the most cunning so that I may, like, get 15 WHOLE minutes of fame. I can totally get a tape, Aleh..ex."

2. I just read in TV Guide that Matt Damon is doing a show on the segregation movement. Really...? I like both topics. Matt Damon is a great actor. I've enjoyed him since my Kevin Smith days and his on-going flicks. I like the segregation movement. I'm a neosouthern. We accept anyone as long as they work or have an excuse... or can hang with 5 white guys without spouting about how honkies suck. I was absolutely enticed to the line up of narrators for this series. I like Marisa Tomei (as much as George Costanza). If Bob Dylan is in there, I will be too... seriously (other than "The Hurricane" which was a great song, but the dude was as guilty as I am white). Oh wait, there's Bruce Springsteen? I guess that's cool. He's only been cool until the point he showed how un-American "Born in the USA" was.

















"Yes. I make a large dump on the Americans that I sound like I represent. They love me because they are too dumb to understand... or I hide my true meanings in overly verbose lyrics which make me feel intelligent."

Still this gets worse when you realize the show "The People Speak" is based on Howard Zinn's "The People's History of the United States". I like the book. It is thought provoking. However, there is no historical, nor factual basis to the entire book. I am as pro Native American as the next guy... other than General Custer. However, "The People's History" is an extremely offensive book. I say this as a history major. No serious history major (other than those trying to raise some eyebrows) sees this book as more than a theoretical document. There's no sources, no verbatim accounts, and there is a whole crap ton of white hatred. This book was where the idea of self-hating liberals came into context. I am a no partisan person, in a political view, but if anyone bases any historical review, book, movie, or documentary based on the crap that Howard Zinn passed as this work..., I dunno. Maybe the world should go ahead and end. Ugh. You have to read it to understand. Weak of mind must read under guardian supervision.

3. Bobby Who?

"Bobby Who?" is basically what the stupid and uncaring athletic board at FSU is willing to ask for the rest of eternity. Yes, yes. We have heard all of the jokes. Way to go sportspickle.com. You called Bobby Bowden the FSU mascot. Why not call Joe Pa the old Nitty Zion. Wooo! I made a funny. Basically ESPN sucks. They have sex with the Big East and Big Ten for rights to their games. Anyone outside of those conferences, who isn't USC, Texas, Oklahoma, Oregon, Boise State, UNLV, Berkley, UCLA, UNC, Duke, LSU, Bama, and a few free floaters (depending on how ABC feels about Tim Tebow's Christianity and wholesome attitude) is scum. FSU used to be champs... or was a champ one time. The saddest thing is... the Semenole tribe will never have honor again.

Doggone right, Osceola! You're once great tribe was ravaged by greedy football alumni... alumnus... alumnibusnii. Oh geez, do you remember Latin? Nope, because you sold it for some fire water.

I mean seriously, it's not really a tribe in the first place. Really they were an outskirt band. This is not racist. Believe me. They were more of an outlaw group of escaped Indians, slaves and other folks (meaning criminals and people default on their mortgages).

"Well... maybe I'ma Seminole too! Ya big dummy!" He was a Seminole. Love that fact and kiss it.

Seminoles want to fit in with the other Native Americans. So they protested their honorable name on a sports team. "Hmmmm. My tribe is being honored by their name sake beating the crap out of everyone. I don't like that" Yeah, logic is not the Native American's strong point. So Osceola is the figurative rep of the Seminoles, but the "awesome old man who made the program and then got driven out on his butt" is the new mascot. Wonderful! I love the booster clubs of the NCAA. That was sarcasm. Oh and there seems to be an Native American curse. The teams named after Native Americans... or based on them have sucked for the past couple of years. That is, on-and-off. Those are the Braves, Indians, Red Skins, Seminoles, and even the Syracuse Orange Men. Oooooo. I blame the Middle East.

4. The Hadron Collider (a nonexistent word)... or the "nothing exists" maker

Really? You have to keep pushing and pushing this. There's no one but nerds who like atoms colliding who like this thing. Basically, the Hadron Collider is bigger than the smallest country, and is designed to collide atoms. I am no scientist so I won't translate the tech stuff on everyone. Also, it bores the heck out of me and I wish this science would die. Seriously though, the theory is they can recreate the Big Bang by colliding atoms. As I am a big protester of wasted funds, you can guess where I stand with this experiment. The interesting thing is this machine keeps breaking before it can do it's job entirely. Some theorists (smarter than me) figure the machine is making a property of matter... or some element... something. Anyway, there is a "God Principle" where "God"doesn't want to be discovered. Since the experiment is to discover the "God Element" (the basis for all matter and anti-matter) this element is preserving it's own discovery. I couldn't make up a picture of how nerdy this was.

I lied. This keeps many a nerd awake at night. Maybe that's why there's so many errors on the collider... if you get my drift.

Okay, that picture is mostly for me. But hey, I'd go down with a nuclear bomb with her any day. So here's to the end of days.

Batman According to TAM! (Those Aren't Muskets!... for the uninformed)

I have been following the guys at Those Aren't Muskets! for a while. This video has made me laugh for weeks.

Damn You, Batman from Those Aren't Muskets! on Vimeo.

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