My Dream... and Why I'm Awake at 2 A.M. Writing About It

This is a narrative retelling of my dream. I just may resell it for a lot of money. Any unlicensed use of this tale for profit will get you a swift boot party and a lawsuit.

Bugs Bunny and I had travelled to Antarctica in search of four missing college coeds. Apparently they were doing summer research on the south pole. Bugs and I traversed icy landscapes and finally found Brooke Burke saving baby penguins. Brooke explained that she had seen the four college girls set up a camp a few miles away. I thanked Brooke, and she said she would call me later. As we moved along, Bugs Bunny asked, "Aaaaaa... so you know Brooke Burke?"
"Yeah. She's a great gal," I replied... because I apparently talk like a noir detective sometimes in my dreams.
"Why do ya get to call her Brooke, Doc?"
"Because, I know her. I'm the hero. She and I made out!"
"How do ya know her, Doc?"
"Because I saved her, about 15 years ago, from a hostage situation at Six Flags. You were there. Remember? Somehow Six Flags was in Tokyo? Bruce Willis helped? You took a bullet for me?"
"Nah. Doesn't ring a bell, Doc."
I started to say something like, "I'll ring your bell," when I saw something ahead. It was a body in the snow. Bugs and I ran to it. Thankfully it wasn't the coeds, just a Sherpa. He was half dead and the camp had been torn to shreds. As I knelt next to the Sherpa, I recognized him. It was Kumquat, who had helped me save Heidi Klum from the evil zombies of Tibet a few months ago.
Kumquat started talking. "The girls. They are in that cave," The brave Sherpa, Kumquat, pointed to a cave a hundred feet away. How did I miss that when I was walking? "Be careful! Tabuka has them. He's... he's...," struggled Kumquat as he passed out from exhaustion.
"Bugs, throw together a shelter and get Kumquat inside and warm!" I ordered as I took off my backpack. I dug through for a rope, my laser pistol, and some Binaca. As I stood and looked at the cave I told Bugs, "I'm going in to save those girls."
"Not without me, Doc!" exclaimed Bugs.
I turned to see Bugs had a nice shelter built already... and smoke coming from the chimney pipe. "Man, that was fast," I thought to myself.
"I'm going to help too!" came another voice. I turned to find Superman swooping in.
"Oh, dude! This is gonna be a piece of cake," I said , totally pumped about kicking butt with Superman.
"Sorry I was late, Danimal. Batman and I were at a Superparty at Malin Ackerman's. Let's just say, Batman has some rage issues."
"No problem, Kal-El. Let's go kick some bad guy tail!"

As we entered the cave I heard a "Thump!" I looked around the icy interior and kept walking. Again, I heard a "Thump!" Ahead, I saw a gigantic snow crab. The girls were huddled in a corner as the crab looked to be preparing to eat them.
"We're only going to get one chance to do this," I explained as I turned to my group of heroes. Superman and Bugs were gone. "Geez. What the heck is going on now? Where'd they go?" I thought to myself. Suddenly, Superman reappeared with a gust of wind.
"Sorry. I drank a little too much Superpunch at the Superparty," explained Superman.
"Great, and where is Bugs?"
"I don't know. My Supersenses are being blocked."
"Okay, we'll just have to go alone. We'll get the crab focused on us and then you keep him busy while I sneak the girls out of the cave," I explained.
"That's a Superplan!" said Superman.
"Please stop adding "Super" to everything."
"No problem, Superfriend."
"Ugh...."
We snuck up near the Giant Snow Crab, who was named Tabuka... for some reason. I was about to yell something cool like, "Hey, you giant fish nugget! Try snacking on this!" when another voice came.
"Of course you know... this means war!" screamed Bugs. He was on a ledge and as he jumped onto the crab's back he yelled "Banzai!"
The crab quickly grabbed Bugs in his claw and threw him across the cave, where he smashed into a wall of ice.
"Don't worry about Bugs. He'll be fine," I told The Man of Steel. "Just start working on that beast!"
Superman and I began unloading lasers on Tabuka, me darting around with my laser gun and Superman firing beams from his eyes.
Then I heard that noise again. "Thump! Thump!"
"Keep going! This guy is going to be a crab cake soon!" I yelled.
"Thump! Squeak!" came the noise.
"Hold on guys! Everyone stop!" I exclaimed.
Everyone kind of paused and stared at me. The giant crab tried to slowly move towards me. "I said stop!" I screamed and Tabuka froze still.
"I still hear that noise. Does anyone else hear it?" No one raised their hands but Bugs... halfway, and he lowered it again as he looked around. "It's like a thump, and then there was a squeak."
"Thump! Squeak! Thump!" came the noise again.
"See there it was!" I pointed out. The noise seemed to come from a nearby wall, so I leaned my ear against it and listened.
"Thump! Squeak! Thump! Squeak! Thump! Squeak!"
"Awwww crap!" I yelled. It was my neighbors next door. "Why do they do this everytime I have an awesome dream?"

I awoke and muddled something unkind under my breath. As I tried to go back to sleep I reimagined the icy cave. No one was there. I walked outside the cave to find the coeds, Superman, Bugs Bunny, and Kumquat (the brave Sherpa) sitting around a bonfire. They were cooking the remains of Tabuka and having a good time.
"Hey guys. So what happened?" I asked.
"Oh you missed it," explained the brunette as she hugged up on Bugs.
"Yeah! You disappeared and these awesome guys saved us," said the blonde... also hugging up on Bugs.
"Dude, it was totally epic!" Kumquat added, his arm around the other brunette coed. "This giant crab had everyone pinned down!"
"Yes. And our Superbrave Kumquat came charging in with a spear. He Superchucked it right into the belly of Tabuka and we were freed." said Superman, breaking away from a makeout session with the redheaded coed.
"Spear? I thought you were a Sherpa, not an Eskimo, Kumquat."
"What? A Sherpa can't carry a spear for protection withot being called an Eskimo? Dude, you are really lame." said Kumquat.
"Yeah, that is so wrong." chimed in the redhead.
"Oh. Sorry. I just thought we were gonna be a team and all," I mumbled, feeling quite left out.
"Hey, Doc. I think maybe you should leave. You're really killing the vibe here," sniped Bugs. "In fact, we've been talking. You're kind of dragging our team down."
"Really?" I questioned.
"Yeah, I mean I've taken so many fatal blows for you. You'd be dead a hundred times by now." replied Bugs. "Candy thinks, and I agree..."
"Who's Candy?" I asked.
"Hi," said the blonde as she raised her hand.
"Yeah, we feel I'd be a better hero, Doc."
"I was supposed to.... But my neighbors...." I said, struggling to explain.
"Dude, you're looking pretty needy right now," said Kumquat.
"Yeah maybe you should go sleep this off," said the brunette kissing Bugs.
"Ha! Tippy, here doesn't understand irony," explained Bugs.
As I walked off I heard Superman say, "Who wants Supermargaritas?"
"I love how you think everything is super," cheered one of the coeds.

After that, I woke up and wrote this whole story. Now I need to go back to sleep so I can hunt down those jerks and exact some revenge.